Feels like im falling in love, when im falling to the bathroom floor

I would guess that this is what it feels like to be broken

ive never felt like this before

“one less reason i should never have met you is just another reason i could never forget you”

Feels like im falling in love alone

I’ll pray for you, It’s the least that I can do.

I’ve been let down more times than I can think of.
Or I can dream of…

I have nothing left to say on here for now.

To show you how I feel…

I havent written here for so long

I can’t put into words how it feels to be this trapped.

or how I so want the boy who treats me like gold. but thats never going to happen when its almost always gold plated, and soon its most likely going to turn you green. well thats what happened.

and it came as no surprise to me that i didnt even care. the moment you shrug off situations like this is the moment you should probably break yourself down piece by piece.

But i can’t let go. I just did.

Just stay gold beautiful. Or not…

I guess now is a good time to tell the truth, I am not what you are.

why do you think you have any right to be disappointed in me when you never believed i could succeed in the first place?

If you think im going to fail then just watch me!

As if i needed you anyway, all you do is look down on me as if im going to turn out like the rest of them.

When it goes wrong, i dont want you to be there shaking your head as if you had anything to do with the way i am. Nothing will come of this. I’ll take the credit for myself. The fact that I picked myself up, i stood on my two feet, and i made my dreams into reality, and if doesn’t work out first time then so what? Bambi didn’t just get up and walk.

You once said that this is in my blood. Well fine, let me have this idea and run with it. For once I’m going to be strong, though you don’t know you’re doing any of this to me.

Even now, you’re in the next room to me, killing me. And I hate you for that. Money and anything else you have to offer will never be enough for me. All I ask is that for once you have faith in me.

Bon voyage?

I’ll pray for you, it’s the least that i can do?

What are you supposed to do when your biggest inspiration turns out to be a fake?

You were supposed to teach me to be like you, not how to fall apart when times got hard.

So i guess now i’m on my own. If you want a job done properly, you do it yourself right?

I can’t help feeling this huge weight upon my shoulders, but I have no one to please.

Hold Fast? Its like staying strong for a sinking ship, seeing as that’s what you have become and after all… dead men tell no tales.

Should i trust my printer’s ink, to express the things i think?

At this moment in time im working on three different pieces of writing

1. my English alevel text transformation. A story of a woman who has slept with (what she thinks is) too many people and fears judgment. I feel i wrote this pretty well.

2. My commentary on why i wrote this and how i wrote it. It’s really exciting stuff. I wrote it because im insecure and the words just fell off my fingers. If only writing that would get me full marks. short and sweet right?

3. this blog that sums up my transformation, commentary of transformation, and why i wrote my commentary. Basically not loving life right now.

I’m 2000 words down. 2000 words that don’t mean anything to me. I’d rather write you a letter. A few words is all i need to let you know…

I never got the chance to put my pride aside and do that for you.

You’re like an Indian summer in the middle of Winter…

When this over don’t blow you’re composure

Beautiful, You’re so in love with your own self hate, no one is ever going to come close.

One day, when your well of a brain runs dry and pen to paper no longer has the same effect, I’ll have a sentence or two for you.

Turns out i did that whole self appraisal thing and it’s not as bad as i thought it was.

There are people worse off, well at least a person. Good luck staying in the limelight, It might not turn sour for you.

I may have been wrong about myself too.. maybe i don’t have it in me to feel like you. You’ve built this alter ego on hate, now what are you going to do with him? He writes like an artist, words so beautifully executed on sheets, but you weren’t hurt quite enough it seems, you haven’t got a good song yet. I thought thats why you started this?

Celebrity? You’re kidding me.

We are the children raised on substance

And we strive to survive by staying true.

Wake me up and let me know you’re alive.

After a long and questionable day I cant help but replay a question over and over again.

Why do we like being hurt so much?

We say we hate it and never want it to happen, but it’s taken all this time to realise today that secretly, unknowingly, it’s just what we crave. Maybe it’s what we need to feel alive. A strong statement to make, but nevertheless it could be true.

After walking out, finding a friend and coming close to breaking point, all I needed what to be held tightly and felt like it counted for something. It didnt disappoint.

I put myself back in that place of being so close to lips touching, and the overwhelming feeling of how much I don’t want this. I’m here with you, and I don’t want you. The only thing I can do is push myself away.

I had a thought yesterday that maybe it was time I do some self-appraisal. I feel like moving on is the best thing i can do, but I only feel like im running away from this. It’s the only thing i know how to do best, which is quite disheartening. A while ago i shut myself off from what i thought was one person, I turned out to be wrong, Ive ignored everything around me for too long. Concentrating on not wanting this, and making sure it doesnt happen, im lost in a one track mind, starting to feel like a prison. At the same time, my head is completely empty and im lost.

I heard something which makes everything perfectly clear to me.

The fear sets in, of knowing how short our time is
The shortness of stride, not a single excuse to prove that we were meant for this

Everything starts to spin all at once

If you hear something strange in my voice, it’s conviction
Detest my words they have no Ill meaning

Run your fingers back and forth over this sheet of paper

So where’s the heart?
It’s not coming through
Who is this for?

Let’s take a deep breath, throw it all away.

It’s 2 days til christmas. Not feeling christmas-sy AT all. How sad?

Spend all my time working. Unless i was out drinking with… work.

A night consisting of tears, vomit and emotions running high. The rest is not exactly clear to say the least.

Im so bored of it. Drinking til my liver hurts and i’m “confessing” how much i like him.

Id be a liar if i said ive never lied.

When better to tell the truth, after countless shots and the room doesn’t stay still?

Telling someone who you really are has never felt so good.

People say when you hit the bottom, the only way you can go is up. I don’t know how much truth is in that, i know if that fails, you always have good old karma.

What goes up definitely does come down. It’s harder to believe that what goes down, is ever going to see daylight again.

Everything from that night out is fueled by gossip. Never mind smoke without fire, people make mistakes, talking about it doesn’t take it back. But it does guarantee that something nasty is bound to come your way, seeing as your clearly not perfect yourself.

I have to be grateful that after the alcohol wears off and make up is all over your face, i still have a friend i can wake up with, who says that even with yesterdays eyeliner im beautiful.

All you can say is Fuck it! What’s done is done, It’s probably going to happen again.

Sunday 28th December! Underworld. Im not letting go of my liver without a fight